Screamo Therapy

Sometimes, there is nothing more liberating than to just blear the inside of my car with the loudest screamo music, when I've had a rough day/week. Scary? yes. but very very liberating. I'm not a person that screams or shows people that I'm angry. Even given some awesomely awful situations this past week, i didn't lose my cool. Instead, I saved it for a song on repeat while i drove around today. It helped. Just listening to someone else scream made me feel great. I was amazed at how much better I felt!

Love and Some Verses

Are there ever people you feel like are in your life for a definite and specific purpose...even though you haven't really unravelled that purpose you just enjoy the daily pleasures that person has to offer with full appreciation. It can be a second graders squeal of a laugh that frequently makes my heart smile and reminds me of the aching yearn and love for children and even for a child that i relatively know nothing about. Sometimes it can be a simple hello that leaves me to ponder what that person is thinking about and having a sudden nudge to pray for them. Even a husband, kissing them goodbye and looking in their eyes only to see the surface of their purpose in your life and usually only under constraint do we start to see the depths.

I have recently discovered how easy is it to walk through life and be completely unaware of the people around you, sometimes on purpose (not going to lie) but sometimes it feels like second nature to just tune out and go about the routines of life because it's easier. It takes work to be present in every moment!! I want to look at the child like they are the most amazing thing to step foot into the classroom, even the terds. I want to pay closer attention to cues from people to give small glimpses into their life. I will say another thing i have discovered, people who give small glimpses are afraid of something, or hiding something...sometimes both and is an indicator to be sensitive!

For my normal day, I am not an affectionate person. I rarely hug people. I have just never been a hugger. If I do hug its usually because the other person initiated it or it's a crisis. It's not that i dont want to be affectionate because i totally do! It is just hard for me. Which is completely strange because my family is very affectionate and I grew up with lots and lots of love.

Slowly, over the past few weeks and being surrounded with laughs and voices of kids and with their affection is helping me be more huggy and touchy. My heart just melts when they are running to the classroom yelling " mrs. G! mrs. G!" and wrap their tiny arms around my waist and squeeze so tightly. Throughout the day, they want to do handshakes and hold your hand, and tell you about every detail of their night before and plans for the weekend. Its PRECIOUS! So for this part of my life, these 2nd grader's purpose is breaking down some major affection barriers, because they have none. What my purpose is for them? I don't know yet.

bummer...

so today is the frist day of school again. I woke up at 6:30 this morning and im still in summer sleep schedule, therefore i didnt fall asleep until 3. Its weird that my summer is over, although it was glorious, im dreaming of it getting cold outside and whipping out my sweaters and scarves. I cannot wait until fall and we get our first cold front! have you been outside? its hotter than a mother! i want to drink coffee because its cold outside and i need warm fluid to help keep me warm. It feels so wrong to drink a cup of coffee when its 90 degrees at the buttcrack of dawn.

Resilience

As I see this pattern repeating,

my passion to break the cycle isn't enough

to keep you from speaking.

Your words serve the purpose for cutting.

So I tell myself, " you only need time."

and forcing me to say goodbye,

when everyday i want to fight.

Did you think this far in advance?

When your friend became a stranger,

and left no choice but to be content by circumstance.

Your memory weighs heavily

as i search to recall your voice.

But you have made me go away.

The days keep passing now

and the days will turn to months.

Tragically ending at the expense of another.

Your intentions to fix things

and ill faded attempts to mend,

only perpetuated the seperation.

I still long and hope for reconciliation

but in this moment...it's better

to be guarded for my own protection.

Take me where the sunlight glows...

We are jumping off this tommorrow! Nana and I with our fishin gear!

Fishing River The Bulldog made the fishing expendition!

I will begin this blog with a story from last night...there is neither an eloquent way to tell this story, nor a way to make it colorful. I brought barkley to go to bed and we are on this huge bed so the pooch is sleeping with us. Sometime, throughout the course of the night he had maneuvered his body where his butt was inches away from my face, and in case you have never smelt a bulldog fart-it is the most rancid smell i have ever encountered. Anyways, he let a rather large fart go right in my face and woke me in a dead sleep. Needless to say, the stench lingered either from that fart or a continuous strand of farts throughout the night and i slept with my head under the covers, haha.
Today we ate brunch at this place called Luna, which happens to be Gran's favorite restaurant. We proceeded to go an adventurous quest for fish all afternoon. Today, I discovered I prefer fly fishing over regular fishing. I love being outside and the only sound is water crashing into the rocks with never ending movement. You are also constantly moving up stream or across to get to the other bank. I like being active in my quest for fish! We came home empty handed, however, are not discouraged enough to throw in the towel. Anna and I are continuing our quest tomorrow at 7 a.m. We will not fail! haha.
After we made it home, it was dinner mode, the pressure and rush to get dinner on the table in an hour for our guests was chaotic, in a sense. Mark cooked steaks, and stuffed jalepenos. Anna and I were in charge of preparing, setting the table, and dishes. Bud and Janet were our guests tonight. They live in one of the Grappe's cabins and take care of the one we all stay at in the summer and winter when we aren't here. They also get the cabin ready for us when we are planning a trip here. They are so wonderful and full of stories. You can see the wisdom in their eyes and love in their hearts. I enjoy every word that comes out of their mouths with a profound acknowledgement that their voices are 70-something years old.
After second helpings of food and Bud's third helping of a heaping bowl of banana pudding, the only logical thing to do was to get into the hot tub. Anna, Gran, Janet, and I all sat inside the hot tub and talked about parents, kids, plans for present and future while being immersed in fresh, crisp, and COLD air with views of the mountains that were so soothing.
As of now, Us young'ens are feet away from each other watching Hot Rod and dispersed among couches and recliners, hardly speaking because of exhaustion, except the occasional laughs at Barkley doing something ridiculous. Its about that time...sleep calls my name!! I will post pics of all the fish anna and I catch tomorrow with expert coaching of my lovely husband!

Then there is morning, each one feels like the first...

So we made it to Lake City, Colorado yesterday. Its a wonderful 10-12 hour drive (depending on speed and stops, ha!) from the lovely town of Lubbock. Mark, Anna, Barkley, and I carpooled all under the influence of dramamine except Mark, who drove. We had a drunk bulldog on our hands that was hilarious to mess with. Mark and his cousin James immediately started painting the cabin upon arrival while anna, barkley, and I sat by the river and enjoyed the fresh air.
Today anna and I got to sleep in while the boys went fly fishing til this afternoon. It has been raining all day, which is the most welcoming weather in my opinion. Its been cold and glorious. Ive been bundled up, get to wear my scarf and cuddle up with a blanket and watch girl movies while the rain hits the floor to ceiling wall of windows. I love love love being up here! Its been really peaceful and relaxing. I was listening to The Weepies : Antarctica, one of my favorite songs by the way, and felt like i really understood the song, FINALLY! haha. Its about having a connection with a place where you feel most like yourself and just being in the presence of its surroundings makes you forget about all the clutter in life. Its such a beautiful thing. For me, in this place and takin in the beauty of nature makes me feel at peace. I feel most like myself when i am here with an incredible abundancy of clarity. Its always nice to sit back and put life in perspective. The things that weigh your thoughts are rapidly forgotten, and being thankful for all the absolutes in life always emerge. Colorado, Lake city, these mountains, this cabin, this river, this flower is comfort to me. There is no pressure to be anything or anyone, the only demand is to be present. Maybe its because of the lack of society for hundered of miles, or the fact we are literally in the middle of nowhere, tucked in between moutains, and there is such a simplicity to life here. I desire SIMPLICITY! I want to not fix my hair for weeks at a time, and wear sweats every morning where matching doesnt matter, walk a short distance to the only grocery store for 100 miles, read by the river every morning, run through mountains, and fly fish every afternoon....one day, for now i have to settle for summers.

.

No bread crumb trail to follow through your days...

Today, we were back in the car. We got up this morning and I made a run to Starbucks which was in our hotel, it was so fabulous! Where i got some Starbucks Perfect Oatmeal and dumped everything in the sack into it, and drank a Skinny Vanilla Latte, breakfast of champions! Nothing can start my day better than some really great coffee. About 11:30, we preceeded to drive about an hour and a half to Logan, which is smaller than Lubbock but has a lot to do! On the drive, i took some pictures of the scenery which is undoubtedly gorgeous and GREEN! no tumble weeds,ha. here are some of the drive.

The boys started their class today at 3. I, took a long needed and quiet nap in the hotel and later joined my mother in law to take pictures of the town and such. She has been taking this photography class and I see her stuff and tell her " teach me how to do that!", so today i learned a lot. Here are some pictures i took today!

The plus about taking photo lessons with her is that we have the same camera, therefore being really easy to translate. We eventually met up with the boys for dinner, all of which were beeming with smiles like their lives have changed. The guy who is teaching the class took us all out to dinner with his son and son's girlfriend to this great restaurant. The boys talked about guns and hunting the whole time, normal day for the grappe family. Needless to say, the boys cant wait to continue the class and shoot tomorrow morning starting at 6 am until dinner, I believe. Tonight after dinner, Mark, Michael, Aaron, and I went to watch the new terminator movie, which was INTENSE! I have to watch ultra-masculine movies being in a male dominant family. On the way home, Mark drove without the lights on, we got pulled over! He didnt have his license and wasnt registered to drive the rental car, to our surprise the police man gave him a warning, thank goodness. The man has two outstanding tickets already ( 1-littering on arbor day! 2-parking the wrong direction on a street). So now we are in the hotel rooms listening to the rain hit the window and resting for the long day ahead. Its been a great day!

Adventures in Utah

Today, we flew to Salt lake city with the expectations to well....there werent really any. We came here for the grappe men to learn how to shoot an animal from over a mile away. We are going to Logan, Utah for the boys to take a long range shooting class in the morning and tuesday. Mary Lou and I just came along for the ride.
First of all, we had a three hour layover in Albuquerque, NM and i seriously believe it is the butthole of the United States. When we finally got here, we went to the Mormon temple and the took our own tour of the grounds and took pictures of it. My youngest brother in law, seriously is making a mormon documentary while we are here and its funny. Anyways when we were taking our own tour, the mormon employees wanted so desperately to talk and make sure we were mormon and when we werent, the comedy began. I felt a little preyed on, and in a sense got a different perspective as far as ministering to people. I felt like i knew what its like for an unbeliever to get preached at on the street and I always believed that loving a person first and foremost regardless of all circumstances is the best route to witness to someone instead of beating the crap out of them with the bible and try to get into bible fight. It really is an eye opener when your on the flip side, and know so surely that they are wrong, and them think so surely that we are wrong. So....I prayer walked all over that place, haha." HA, TAKE THAT!", i thought. So on a lighter note, Im making a list of things about Salt Lake City, Utah. These are things so far:
1) MORMONS are everywhere, haha
2) Fanny packs might as well be a religion as well

3) Its an extremely clean and good looking town

4) Its smaller than it looks

5)EVERYTHING is closed on sundays

The list will continue throughout the trip...and here are a some pictures i took today.

This is Charles Barkley, our english bulldog, whom i woke up this morning because he was sleeping in my suitcase, haha.

This is the Mormon temple of latter day saints, and is undeniably beautiful and at the tip of it you can see the angel blowin a horn, and you cant go in there unless you are mormon.

This is picture of a building under construction and there are two orange boxes up there that are potties! I took a picture because i thought it was funny for one to be up on a 5th floor, and because i thought it would suck to be the person to bring those down.

Welp tootles, haha

First Blog!

This is my first blog, ever! so many people are bloggers these days its crazy! Part of the reason i jumped on the band wagon is because I'm in desperate need of entertainment and as a last attempt to keep my self busy, i thought "i'll start blogging today."
So here I am, in Lamesa, babysitting, watching slumdog millionaire with my little sister anna, craving some coffee on this cloudy day, and blogging. My family decided to take a mini vaca without their children, leaving me to hold down the fort, scary right?! I Often wonder why they trust me so much. Although, the time i spend with my sweet anna is very much needed. Anyways, Im trying this out to occupy my summer time and so forth and we will see how it goes!